August 2012
1 post
A Bard
One morning I decided to stage a musical in my front garden. If Gilbert and Sullivan can do it, I said to myself from beneath the pillow, other people can! I informed my mother over breakfast.
‘Yes, other qualified people,’ she replied.
‘Are you an autocrat?!’ I challenged – staring deep into her caring eyes.
‘Of course not! I just mean that musicals require a lot of technical...
April 2012
3 posts
Why do Cunts get all the Jobs?
I couldn’t believe it - I was fired before I had even heard about the job! This was one more firing to add to the long list: fired from McDonalds for believing in ghosts, sacked from my friend’s Auntie’s solicitors business for looking up Tumblr porn on her phone, discarded from Coras Iompair Eireann for filling a City Imp with mannequins (so as not to have to stop for anyone),...
Néw
I sat there trying to think up something new. I was long past the point of trying to think something novel like “bird-skittle-smut-fluke, oh I bet no one has thought that combination of words before!!!” - it created nothing new, and besides, Googlewhacking had made it a popular activity. No, this had to be an absolutely new thought, something which ripped through the fabric of forms,...
Est'eem
I’ve always thought I have a good figure. Sure, it might be a little gelatenous in places, but whose body isn’t? I suppose there is the odd college girl who looks like a skeletal hawk. You see them draped in pink felt, stabbing their way through an orange cloud across the car park, but I don’t really mean those kinds of people. I’m talking more generally about how people...
December 2011
4 posts
Delighted
I put christmas lights on the tree, wrapped them round in a spiral, but realised that there were still lights remaining. I trailed them across the sitting room floor and lined the window with them. But there were still lights remaining. I brought the lights out of the sitting room and into the hall. I draped them around mirrors and picture frames, made Xs with them on the ceiling and cris-crossed...
Deadicure
The girlfriend didn’t like being tickled. The boyfriend said ‘I’m going weaseling,’ and went for her feet. The girlfriend shrieked and tried to kick him in the head as he nibbled on her toes.
’Whatever you do don’t push the toenails back!’ she screamed, dead serious.
The boyfriend thought she was only messing, however. She had to be messing - who...
"The Early Bird Catches the Worm"
One of the most profound experiences of my life concerned a phrase I learned when I was in first class. Our teacher at the time, Mr McNaninov, was a stern but fair man. He was obsessed with discipline and had an extraordinary ability to justify everything he did. We truly felt like learners; sitting beneath his solid gaze, bathing in the luminous knowledge which flashed over us.
One day in...
My Mum's Friend's New Eyebrow Piercing
So my mother’s friend, Attracta, just bought a new ear ring and had it inserted above her eye in that little pad of fat at the limit of the brow. I was eating a bowl of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes at the breakfast bar when she called over to show it off.
‘What do you think of my new piece?’ she asked my mother, who was busy putting some granules of instant coffee into a mug.
...
April 2011
2 posts
Aside
There was a long pause before he died. In the moments between me pushing the knife into his neck and his death, he was surprisingly alive. I didn’t like that, I hadn’t planned for that. I had imagined it would be a two step affair - stab, then death. I hadn’t banked on him looking at me straight in the eyes, as we shared the fact that I was killing him. I didn’t think it...
Softly Bared
I had been asleep. I was now slowly rubbing into wakedness. The pillow was soft and depth, with numerous edges. The eyes and head wanted to drift back out to sleep. The knees did too. Something was telling the mind to do something. The cheek loved how the pillow was feeling. Softly rough. My face slid along it, till it reached the edge. I was suddenly aware of all sorts of wrongness. I...
February 2011
26 posts
Bureaucraic
Unsure of whether I had the right amount of change for the dole office, I asked a guy on the street for some advice.
‘Do you think 1.20 is enough for the dole office?’
The man, overweight, with fields of sweat beads covering his pallid head folds, paused to think. He had large oak-smoked shades perched on his face. He looked towards the ground in thought.
‘Eh, I...
No Man is an Aisle Man
There weren’t as many things wrong with the pack of sausages I was holding. But the grass is always greener on the other side, so I had a look at the packet the woman standing beside me had in her gloved hand. I didn’t like imagining the texture of her mustard coloured nylon mit rubbing against the smooth soft cellophane wrapping of the sausage pack, so I stopped immediately. I...
Old discarded instrumental version of a Kidd Blunt...
IADT: Lunchtime despair
The ticker struck half - it was time for lunch. I descended the stairs from the library and made my way into the canteen, buoyed by the hungry optimism of impending savour. The room was busy; full of the usual clatter and din of frolicking art goths and business freaks. The TVs down the back were off as usual. Why didn’t they at least show the X-files on them so we could salivate at...
List of insulting names for Election 2011
apoetic:
Fat Rabbitt
Meatball Martin
Bender Kenny
Layman Gilmore
Wrong Gormley
Cherry Adams
Ivana Basic
John Burton
Mary Paraffin
Aimin’ Wrong (Eamonn Ryan)
Willie O.D.
Lucinda Crouton
Alan Shouter
Deadly
Another Place
The essay was due in 5 hours and I hadn’t even attended one lecture. ‘Is it possible to put a black hole inside a sock without disturbing your room?’ read the essay question. Sweat sprang out on my forehead. What sort of question was that?! Which sock?! Using quantum algebra or syncognitive pragtistics? My eyes darted around my bedroom wall for clues to the solution, but all it...
“You ain’t nothin’ but a phallogocularcentrist.”
– Colly Whelan
“sight, crossing the globular limit of the eye, constitutes the eye in its...”
– Foucault, in an essay, ‘A Preface to Transgression’, trying to articulate how an eye simultaneously sees and exists. Drama queen. But one that can write so beautifully. I <3 Foucault again. We had fallen out because he made me have a nervous breakdown.
The Masturbation
I was finished a long afternoon’s study so I decided to reward myself with a good masturbation. I closed Althusser’s On Ideology and paused for a moment to consider the best way to go about the act. There were really only two options - an imaginary wank, or one based on telly images. Superstition was a big part of my life at that time, so the Internet was simply a no-go area. I had...
I hate when my crisp snaps in the dip. Prawn Pringle to sour cream fail.
Idea for an invention (I imagine being on dragons den every night as I nod off so as to distract myself into sleep): fire poker with a digital temperature display at the top near the handle.
Reason: people would be curious to know how hot their fire gets and possibly might try and set records for themselves. 560 degrees! Is that even the temperature of a fire?
Erudite on Grafton
I was walking around town bored so I decided to have a go at busking. I had just walked past a group of homeless fellas singing ‘I Just can’t Wait to be King’ from the Lion King, and they appeared to have made a few euro from it. Lacking Dart fare home, it seemed like a perfect way to spend an hour or so.
I went into Spar and took an Insomnia cup from beside the coffee...
Dieating
I was up late watching TV the other night. My girlfriend was fast asleep beside me, and I had long since abandoned the search for suitable masturbation imagery. The nearest contender had been a Mexican MILF on Wife Swap USA, but she was only wearing shorts for a brief scene. With my flaccid mollusk resting idly in my hand, I came upon a programme about eating healthy food on BBC 3. The presenter...
January 2011
6 posts
“Instead of the gong for dinner, let us hear a whistle from the Spartan fife”
– Ralph “Waldo” Emerson, from ‘Self-Reliance’. Stunning wordsman.
How do you shower?
I get into the shower, raw and naked. I turn on the water to full power, but to about two thirds heat; swivel the head away from me and brace for the inevitable flecks of cold water which splash back. As soon as the water is heated I turn the head so that it is cascading down upon me. I soak my hair in the water and flatten down the hairs on my arms and legs so the water is flowing down me...
I don’t normally do music reviews, but I...
Headache
I had the worst headache ever. It was worse than the one my Mum told she had had when she was on holidays in Spain as a kid. My poor Mum, eight years old and forced to stay in the hotel because of a headache. This one was worse though, I could just tell. It felt like hundreds of snails slowly crawling around in there. Tipping off areas they weren’t meant to with their dumb feelers. I walked...
Words of a Wizard
I wrote these words of wisdom on my old blog - I hope somebody can find even one of them useful, or all of them mind-snappingly inspiring.
1) Everything and nothing may or may not be. 2) Replace can’t with Kant. 3) Question everything, even your dog’s ability to love. 4) Make sure to eat fruit and vegetables even when you don’t want to. Just stuff them into your mouth and...
The Gorilla
I got onto the bus, dazed with an acute hangover. It was a Sunday and Sundays always played tricks with my mental health. I was never quite sure if it was the end of the week or the beginning of the week - some of my previous employers had insisted in the past that it was the beginning. Sunday to Saturday. Something just didn’t seem right about that. I had argued in the past but was always...
